The first step

The journey of a thousand steps begins with just one....

I have become aware of something that is missing in my life. Something that I had for a long time. Something very precious. Something that took a lot of energy to maintain and yet rewarded me with nothing.

Last October I went on a trip with my fiancee to visit some friends in a place that I regard as a sanctuary. Usually when I go I am filled with the beauty of nature, the awesomeness of creation and the infinite universe. This time was different, however.
Peace was not prevailent this time. It took work to relax.

It always takes a long time for me to be able to wind down, but this was way more intense. I would try to stop thinking about all the things that I obviously feel are worth worrying about. But the knots would not loosen. My thoughts would not be still.
When I am like this there are moments that I can't even hear what someone is saying to me. I can't enjoy the breeze, the birdsong or the smell of the air. I become a vacant drone that is exhausted from exerting such an effort to achieve nothing. It hurts. Especially since I know that I am doing it.. but can't stop.
Or won't.....

On this trip, strife seemed to be the theme. There was unrest and pain going on in several of my friends lives. It seemed like we were all being put to the test. Or, our narrow minds were choking out our dreams. It just seemed like nothing was going to be easy ever again. It seemed like I would never be the person I hoped I would be.

Then something happened. "with a little help from my friends" I came undone inside. I found that I could relax in an instant, enjoying all that my surroundings had hidden up until this point. I could take a deep breath. The stress and worry had gone.
After a couple of weeks, without me knowing, it came back. The daily routine of work and parenting and the etcetera that comes with life piled back on my shoulders. I allowed it.
You don't know that you're depressed until you stop being depressed. You don't realize how stressed you are until you can put that load down. All the energy I had been using to hurt myself could have been used to make my life better. But somehow I had convinced myself that by carrying the weight of the world, I was doing my family, friends and co-workers a favour. I will worry so no one else has to? I will be stressed because that demonstrates duty and loyalty? I will poison myself, feeling inadequate while those around me are waiting for someone to lead and give hope? It all seems ridiculous to actually try and write those thoughts out. In fact, I don't even feel I have captured in words, the war going on inside my head. But the point is..... i was doing it to myself and that was hurting others in the process.

So... that's where I start.
One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. I am not going to worry about where this journey will end. Only how well I travel day to day.

It begins with a purpose

"Instead of following a well traveled path, go where there are no footprints and leave a trail" - Inscribed on a rock at an African craft vendor.

Something inside me wants out. I don't even know what it is. I am capable of so much but feel like I accomplish nothing. I know the direction I that I need to go. I feel the pull. I am also very aware of the currents that have their own momentum and have no concern for travelers.

I am a tree being proven by the elements... I am a sail using the wind to move me without directing me... I am a sailor becoming a captain... I am a son... becoming a father.